I was Plus Size Bride, and I am ok with that.

In the last year and a half I have been dress shopping  more that I would like to admit. I was the maid of honor in my best friends wedding last fall and as you all know I got marired myself in October. I have learned a little bit in the last year and a half, one of those being I HATE dress shopping. I have had some bad experiences, at certain stores (coughdavidsbridalcough) that make me glad this whole buying a wedding dress thing is all over.

I am a plus size girl, I fall with in size 16-18 depending on the style of the dress. I know that "Bridal" runs small, and I know I was in for a headache before I even started looking for my own wedding dress. I promised some family and my close friends they can go through the whole "looking at me trying on dresses" process, mostly for them, not for me, I hated the whole idea of it. So a month before hand I was at David's Bridal with a friend who was looking for a gown for some benefit, and I figured I would get an idea of some dresses that I wanted so when I went in with the big group of people, I wasn't overwhelmed.

I am not a princess dress person, or a tight dress person, I wanted something tea length-ish. So while my friend was pulling dresses for her benefit I asked one of the girls there what they had for that style. With out even asking me my size, or even measuring me, she simply said "Oh, we don't have many of those in your size, maybe two or three. Our plus section is very small in store." At first I thought her tone was rude, but maybe I was over reacting, but when my friend who was with also heard the sassy/rudeness in her tone. I knew I wasn't over-reacting. So when I went home that night I decided to go on their website, to look at dresses. I wasn't going to have people watch me try on dresses if they only had "two or three for my size." and browsing that website looking at things in my size, was kind of hilarious.

 Because I am a size 16-18 I am right on the edge of regular size and plus size. Some of there dresses go up to 16 or 18 and when others 18 and up are plus size. So I checked both, just in case. I found a dress I loved, it was what I wanted. In standard size it was pretty cheap $200ish. It only went up to a 16. I know bridal runs small so I checked plus size, They had 16 short style dresses compared to the almost 50 of standard size, and most of their short dresses started at 850+, I felt annoyed and discouraged and put off looking at dresses for awhile.

If you follow my YouTube channel, you know I ended up finding my dress, and where I found it was online, Modcloth to be exact. I took my own measurements and decided on a dress I really loved, so I was happy I got to try it on in the comfort of my own home, and with out some sales lady judging me. But my dress shopping wasn't over. I had to go for my friends wedding, which again wasn't a great experience, some dresses we couldn't even look at because they didn't come in that size. In the end I was happy it was over.

I knew going into this it wasn't going to be easy. I know I am a bigger, I know a lot of things wouldn't come in my size. Once I found the dress it was like "phew ok now that is over." but then started the comments, Oh those  "so are you going to lose weight for your wedding? How much weight have you lost to fit into your dress?"comments. Now for some reason a lot of people, and I mean random coworkers, family friends, even random people I barely know online expected me to magically become thinner, or lose weight for my wedding. "you are going to be in pictures! you will look at these forever! Aren't you gonna try to lose weight?" Now don't get me wrong, the 2 months till  wedding I made sure I wasn't eating junk ( i don't eat a lot of junk anyways, but it happens.) so I could make sure I would stay fitting in my dress, but I am fat, there is no other way to say it, I am fat. I was a little smaller than this when I met Eric, I go up and down in my weight all the time but for the most part, I am this size, why would I JUST lose weight to look good in my wedding dress?

Its bad enough trying on dresses at places where they made rude comments at you for being plus size knocks down your self esteem, but once you find that dress that you think you look amazing in, and now people are telling you that you need to lose weight to be thinner so you can look good in photos because its your wedding? So I wont look good because I am fat? No! I am going to be a fat bride, and I have no shame in that. I know I am a bigger girl, it took me a lot of years to love myself, a lot of struggles to love myself, and I am finally here at age 28 and I love myself even though I am fat. Even though that girl at David's Bridal made snotty comments about my size. My now husband loves me, not because of my size. He wont care if I am 20lbs smaller in my wedding dress or this size right now. I am fine with the fact that I am a plus size bride.

At the end of this journey that is what I learned, its been a few months since I started writing this post, my wedding has come on gone. Its been a long journey, and all that is said and done, that day, was amazing. I felt amazing, I took a moment to myself in my best friends bathroom after I was all done up and looked at my self in the mirror, and I saw myself as an adult, I saw a little bit of my grandmother in me (who is a plus size woman) and I saw a beautiful bride. I was overwhelmed by all the compliments that day, I know you get them because you are "the bride" but being told how beautiful you look and stunning, makes you not think about the fact  other people told me i had to look "skinny in your wedding dress." because you don't need to. I had a friend pull me aside that day and tell me as a fellow plus size girl I inspired her, because most people say we "cant wear light colors." and "some dresses are flattering" but I pulled it off and I looked amazing. That right there moved me. And it helped a lot that the one person who mattered  that day, my husband, told me I looked perfect, and amazing all day. And that my friends is what matters. Not the losing weight to look pretty in your dress, or fitting into some plus size bride bubble that stores want you to fit into it. That YOU feel beautiful and amazing and that you are happy. Because its the happiest day of your life, it goes by super quick and you want to enjoy it, not worry if you "look fat" in your wedding dress.

My Star Wars Themed Wedding Shower!

I know things have been slow lately here on the blog, to be honest its been far in my thoughts because I have been busy with wedding related things, my day job, as well as other things. But, two weeks ago Eric and I had our Wedding Shower! It kicked off the #supersmithwedding16 wedding festivities! And our wedding party pulled together what I can only say was the best wedding shower in the galaxy! Because you know, it was STAR WARS THEMED!

One of the best things is having a wedding party that understands your personality, and Eric and I are reallythat  our friends get us They could of thrown us a fancy, traditional wedding shower (which there is nothing wrong with!) but they instead took the geeky route and did it all up Star Wars. And man was it amazing!

My Maid and Matron of Honor made most of the decorations, and pulled together what I can only call, fun, geeky yet also classy. It had small little Star Wars nods, like death star center piece vases (which Lyndsey painted ALL BY HAND), a Stromtropper helmet to sign for a guest book,  and  the cutest little mason jars with  candles that had Leia and Han silhouettes that said "i love you, I know". As well as a HUGE Kylo Ren cut out, which I cracked up over, because it pulled everything together.

That a long with a fun DIY photo booth, it had the perfect mix of everything. The girls really hit it out of the park (or galaxy!) with it. Even the favors where smores that say "may the smores be with you." And having the guests play Wedding Jeopardy, which was really fun because sometimes showers can get boring, and it made everyone interact with each other, and it was filled with a lot of laughs and fun! 

Everything about it was perfect, even the selfies being taken with Kylo and all the silly photo booth pictures. It was the best way to start off the wedding countdown. I am truly lucky to have such an amazing wedding party and have such amazing people in our lives. 

Here are some final photos, my dress was PRINCESS LEIA (which will have its own outfit post coming next week), as well as the link to the vlog from the night! I wish I had more details for you guys, like how everything was made, because the girls did an AMAZING job with making a lot of the decorations, maybe I can convince Lyndsey to do a craft blog post on the vases. But I know a bunch of you wanted a blog post. Thank you guys for reading! Look for more wedding related blog posts coming in the next month! Make sure to check out the vlog at the end of the post! 

I started using a planner this year, and this is what happened....

I am fairly new to this whole planner thing. I used to keep on in high school, and I have always had a dry erase board some where in my apartment to keep track of things like appointments and bills. But at the start of this year I really noticed I needed something to keep all the dates I have put together and organized. Because with wedding, work, YouTube, even conventions,  and everything else in between, I needed something to keep it all together long term. I had dates and times I needed to remember months a head of time, I had dead lines, and projects that needed to be finished. I am a pretty organized person, I try to get stuff done early, and with lots of time to do it. But I was having a hard time managing it all; so I looked into planners,

I had seen a few YouTube that I follow use planners, as well as cosplayers. So I had a good idea on which one I wanted. But I wanted to stay in a budget because I wasn't sure if this was something I could keep doing, or if I would forget to do it after a month or so. Because lets face it, that does happen. A lot of these people make their pages super fancy, and covered with stickers, but I knew starting out I should keep it simple, get myself used to the planner first, get into a routine and see where I go from there. It was Janaury so a lot of the planners were on sale, so I picked up the "Me and my big ideas" planner (Or mambi) for udner $20, one role of washi tape, a few colored pens and took an afternoon to transfer all the dates and things I needed to get done from my notebook, into the planner.

There were things I loved, and things I didn't really like about the planner, but it got the job done. I kept it simple for the first month, I did it all in pen, very few stickers, I had no themes just writing down what I work, the  meals I plan to do, appointments that were that week, bills due as well as wedding projects that needed to be done. It was simple. and after keeping to it for a month strong, I slowly starting getting into stickers. Because I had to look at this for a whole week, I wanted it to motivate me to check it every day. A few more rolls of washi, some cute star wars, marvel and other scrapbook stickers, and I started to develop a good system to my planning. I did it about two weeks at a time, because it was best for me, it helped me plan meals so my grocery shopping wasn't so random anymore, it kept me on top of chores and things I sometimes forgot about. I was really enjoying it. And thats when I decided, to check out a few sticker shops on etsy.

I went in with a budget and a list of stickers that would fit my planning needs. What I started to notice it, my planner was the issue.I liked the set up of the mambi planner, but the binding of it made it hard to take anywhere, and it made it bulky, it made it weird for me to write in it because it was hard to fold over. I liked how it was affordable, but in all honestly my "dream" planner was the Erin Condern. If I was going to invest money in cute stickers to help my planning, why not just get a good planner? Lucky for me it was a big sale on that website, because the new planners were coming out in June, in mid April the ones for the rest of the year were pretty cheap. I paid no more than $21 dollars for my new planner, the cover didn't really matter to me because I could get a new one or decorate this one if I needed. I had a pretty good stash of stickers from etsy, as well as my friends sticker shops to help me. I was so glad I got this planner because it was just easy to use, I'm not sure if its becuse it reminds me more of my notebook i used to jot stuff down in before, but i find it so much easyer to grab this planner every day, and update my lists, check off what I've done and what not.

I've noticed a lot of changes in myself with organization since I started planning. I get more stuff done/. I have learned how to better manage my time, motivate myself to do better in things like youtube, and even start using my blog again.  Not to mention taking that hour or so every week and putting time into the planner, is sort of "me" time. I didn't think a little planner could help so much. Maybe I was more un-organized than I thought, What was first meant to help me stay on top of wedding tasks and other life things, has become the way I plan meals for the week, and set up my grocery list based on that. (which means we do less take out because I plan ahead.) Its motivated me to set upload schedules on both my YouTube and now on my blog. I had youtube work time, managed with my day to day work time. Even Eric will ask me to note something in my planner to remind him to do something or when something is going on

,

Its really helped me mange things, and I am so happy I got into planning. I wont lie, the cute stickers, and layouts do help. I've gone from very few stickers to a whole spread themed by them. I enjoy going on etsy and finding stickers and thinking of spreads a head of time. And I think thats what keeps me doing it, that little creative motivation. And I'm glad it did, because in the last 5 months planning has changed how I mange things in my life.

Vlog || Haloween Shopping and Star Wars Struff!

Its the time of year! Haloween everything is out! And Eric and myself took an adventure to find some new things this year for halloween, as well as check out the new star wars toys! What did we find? Check out the video to see!

Planning My Geeky Wedding VLOG #1

Hi Everyone! As promised I am here with my first wedding planning vlog that (spoiler alert!) has a lot of how I started my wedding planning, our date, theme, as well as other things we are doing a big different and how Offbeat Bride has really helped me get started with my wedding planning!

Please Check out my vlog, and to stay up to date on these vlogs subscribe to my channel as well as follow my blog!

Welcome 2015! Big news!!

If most of you follow me on social media you may of already of seen in a tweet or instagram what has happened over Christmas. Eric and I got engaged! Yes, Eric "popped the question" Christmas Eve in a very adorable way that was very fitting to us in every way.  Since I don't wear jewelry and we all know my love of penguins, he instead put a pebble in a box at the bottle of my stocking. It was perfect in every way, as simple as it was.

Though we don't plan on getting married till October 2016 (Because my best friend is getting married this year and I am her Maid of Honor), I wanted to share this new and journey with you guys. We have been talking about out having a "big nerdy wedding" for awhile now, what we wanted if we got married and all the things we wanted to include from both of us. We aren't very traditional in a lot of ways, and tho my mother wasn't to happy when I told her we wanted a comic book themed wedding with a little twist of geeky awesomeness (she really thought I was joking.) I want to share my adventure on here with all of my readers.

I was already going to share my journey of being a plus sized brides maid in my best friends wedding, so I think this will go a long great with that. I am not really sure what is going to happen with all the planning, when it will all start, but as of right now its mostly brain storming and ideas, as I help my best friend plan here big day. But if you guys want little posts and updates on how goes my wedding planning, I would love to share it with you.

What a great end to 2014 and a great start to 2015! I plan on doing a bunch of posts in the next week like a wrap up of 2014, and other things, but I had to make the announcement on here with you all! I hope everyone had a great Christmas and are loving 2015 so far!

Boston Comic Con 2014

For the first time in what seems like forever I got to attend Boston Comic Con. I have attended other cons in the area, but for some reason it had been some time since I attended Boston Comic Con. One big factor to me going this year? Well one of my actresses from the show Firefly was going to be there, and being a fangirl I am, I had to meet Jewel Staite in person, she has been someone who I have adored for years. Way back to her Are You Afraid Of the Dark days (fun fact, my favorite episode of AYAOTD is the tale of the unfinished painting, which she was in) and of course Kaylee from Firefly! So I was set on going, I even had the plan of dressing up like Kaylee for what was my first time cosplaying at a Con.  (a full tutorial on my costume will be posting here in the next week!) So the day was going to be full of adventure.

Her Universe Fan Girl Of the Day, new guest bloggers, and other life stuff.

Hello lovelies,
I feel like its been forever (really about a week) since I have sat down to write a blog post. I have a ton of stuff that I need to review, haul and post about. But this week has been crazy. First off in my day to day life a holiday week is ALWAYS nuts at my "day job." Seriously, everyone wants macaroni salad...but besides working all day and finding time between that to spend with the fella, I needed a few days of "ashley" time to just relax after a busy weekend and having a ton of crap going on (like working on Eric's and I's cosplay for boston comic con SQUEE) So my only day off this week I spent doing house work, and just catching up on life that I had kind of forgotten while working my little butt off so I can save my pennys for summer adventures.

ANYWAYS, if you follow me on twitter, facebook and even instagram (if you wan't why aren't you?) you may of seen I was heruniverse.com fan girl of the day Tuesday! How awesome right? One of my friends submitted me in for it and bam! I love Her Universe clothes, I have a few pieces in my collection (you may of seen one or two in ootd's ) so I was totally (no pun here) fangirling over the fact that I on there, if you guys want to check it out, HERE is the link for it ( Clicky click here!)  Which was awesome, almost as cool as Josh Radnor favoriting my Ted Mosby outfit (ok nothing is an awesome as that) but seriously pretty cool! It made my week! Which gets to the reason for this post, in the next coming weeks I will be posting a ton of new guest blogger posts, outfit of the days, reviews and even some cosplay crafts with a few other things, SO seriously keep a look out for those. I am rested and ready to rock it on here. Oh and yes I did say new guest blogger, oh yes I did! I found a few lovely ladies who want to join the group here and show you all some awesome fashion, SO be ready!

I hope you all have had an awesome week, be sure to check back soon for crazy cool stuff! (like the MAC Kelly collection?! pff YES) Talk to you all soon!

-Ashley

Free Comic Book Day

Like most, I get really excited come the start of May, for a few reasons, free comic book day being one reason for me!  Mostly because Eric and I always hit up our local comic shop together, pick up the comics that we were interested in, and take in the deals that are normally going on that day. Its nothing big, but we have fun with it and even though this year I worked, we headed out early so we could still go together and keep to our yearly tradition! 

Like I said mentioned, I had to work, so my clothes were pretty simple, and my hair had a mind of its own. My shirt is  my new favorite shirt, a friend of mine got it from TeeFury.com its the Cap'n Ameri-Crunch Shirt! I love it, it goes great with my Loki's Charms and Groot Loops shirt! It was hard to pick which one I wanted to wear most, but I picked this one because it was my newest! I just threw my favorite jacket on (because it was a bit breezy) and my converse and work pants (just black jeans, i wear to work). Along with my favorite pair of sunnies and boom, cute and quick outfit that I can wear to work too.

And because Eric was a good sport I got a picture of him, so you guys get a two-for! Eric is a basic jeans and tee kind of guy most days. So hes wearing his newest marvel shirt we found at TJMAXX, and a pair of jeans, with his favorite hat and side bag with converse. Like I said hes simple. This is something he wears everyday just change up the tee, every so often he wears a hoodie or blazer. But I figured since he was with me and this was a Free Comic Book Day OOTD I would include him, since he was festive! 

Hope you guys enjoyed this quick little post, and you got all of the goodies you planned on getting today! I know I did! Follow my blog for more updates and outfits!

OOTW, Dropkick Murphys and Boston Trip!

This past week Eric and I headed up to Boston to see Dropkick Murphys, rather than come back the same day we decided to make a trip out of it. It had been awhile since we've been up to Boston, we try to go a  few times a year but this past year was a bit rough so it had been awhile. 

The weather was a bit crazy, first snowing, then really windy, and on Friday it was in the 50's after being in the low 20's. So I tried to plan my outfits around the weather, but still look cute, yet be comfy because we were going to be doing a lot of walking.

DIY Doctor Who Tardis Painting

Hello everyone! So if you follow me on social media (which you should), you know over the last year I have been doing these little nerdy diy projects around my house. The comic book covered table being one of them (if you like I will post it on here) and random character painting, etc etc. Well the other day while crafting with a friend of mine I decided I wanted to try to do a galaxy painting, I have done galaxy nails, so why not try it on canvas. Lots of splattered paint later, came this bad boy At first it looked bleh and like it was missing something, it was pretty and I LOVED it, but it needed more, thus came the idea "YOU SHOULD ADD A TARDIS" and wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey, and  some mod podge later the tardis was added to the canvas and I am now proudly looking at this pretty little doctor who piece that is hanging on my dining room wall. 

When I shared this picture on instagram everyone freaked out and wanted me to make them one or show them how to do it, now its simple, its really cheap and I am not some grand artist here, anyone can do it. If you know how to do galaxy nails you just do that on a canvas. You really just need a few colors of paint (i used pink, purple and dark blue with some white) and a good picture of the tardis, some modpodge and boom instant pretty doctor who wall art. I will do a video tutorial if you all really want one, but its seriously so easy. 

I enjoy doing these little things, so I may share them on here because most of them are kind of nerdy and well I think they are cute. So if you want to see more nerdy crafts, let me know! 

Until next time,

New Series coming to this blog?!!! Guest Blogger OOTD posts?! WHATT?!

Hey everyone! How are you guys doing on this awesome Thursday?! Its been flipping cold here which is why my OOTD's have been slacking, seriously I have just been wearing layers and layers of clothes like I am the brother from a Christmas Story. So being in my slight "fashion slump" I decided to reach out to some of my lovely friends who share the love of  Nerdy Fashion to be guest bloggers! So expect in the coming weeks a few new beautiful faces on my blog! Hope you guys are as welcoming and awesome as you are to me!

Thanks for reading as always guys please follow my blog if you haven't already and check out my youtube for more fashion and makeup videos!!

NYC, and Meeting Zachary Levi

As most of you know I have had a pretty "rough" year with everything that has happened from Eric's accident, to my grandmother being sick, that lead to a spiral of other shit that I don't want to get into on such a positive post, but I was pretty much DONE with 2013 come November and I just wanted it to be over. Well I had a pretty amazing ending to my year, and I have my best friends to thank for that, and that guy up in that picture from there, who is that? Well its Zachary Levi, or as I have called him for the last 6 years, my nerd boyfriend (Eric understands trust me)

For those of you who don't know I have a pretty big love for Zachary Levi, and for those of you who don't now who he is, (why are we friends? KIDDING) hes from Chuck, Tangled, Thor The Dark World and he is in First Date on Broadway. Now to most people its like oh Ashley met the guy who voices Flynn Ryder, no big deal. Well to me, it was pretty amazing and 6 years in the making. 

I loved him in Chuck it was pretty much my favorite show the whole time it was on. My best friend knew I wouldn't hang out Monday nights if Chuck (and Heroes) was on, that basically started the whole joke of Zachary Levi being my Nerd Boyfriend. And when Eric and I first started dating if I was over his house on Mondays, well I had to watch Chuck, it was a given. When my living citation got kinda rough (you know when I moved like 3 times in a year and a half...) and Eric and I decided to move in together to afford it I sold all my seasons of Chuck (and other tv shows but suck hurt the most) and it sort of broke my heart, because it was one of the shows I watched that when I just got in a bleh mood it would kind of cheer me up.  Though I have a pretty amazing boyfriend, who for Christmas bought me the complete series box set and said it would be the start to my "countdown to Zachary Levi"  (seriously how awesome is eric?)

 So with all of the shit that happened this year, I still followed what Zac was doing and he was in the Broadway musical First Date, which was in NYC and since I live near Boston that is pretty close (but yet so far away because we have no car). Since the play opened I tried to find someone to go with me, Eric told me that if it was still playing when we got our tax money we'd go see it, because he knew I really wanted it. Then New York Comic Con came (which i was supposed to go to but money issues lead not to) and Zac had announced he was going to be there, tickets for nycc were sold out, and one of my friends Ashlee was going, so she tried and ended up getting me a NERD shirt from Zac's Nerd Machine booth, which was awesome, I still wanted to meet Zac. So that leads us to November, which started off as the shittiest month for many reasons I won't get into, but to the end of the month we found out that First Date was ending, and Eric's promise of taking me in 2014 pretty much wouldn't happen. I felt so down, and tho a few of my friends tried to go with me, stuff would happen or not work out.

It sucked, until one of my best friends Carissa told me "I will go with you, we can't go till after Christmas but we will go" now rushing around to try to find funds for this trip my other best friend Lyndsey offered to pay for me to go, because she knows its what I really want, and giving me that for my birthday and Christmas would be the best gift she could ever give me because it would make my happy. and after everything that happened this year I needed that. Everything was coming together, Carissa's husband offered to drive us and him and Eric would just go find something to do while we go see the musical. 

And for the first time this year something worked out, something awesome went to plan and tho it was raining pretty bad, and the three people who were only there to see me happy got totally soaked, we got kind of lost, it was all worth it in the end. I might of had a rough year but the those few minutes of just talking to Zac and meeting him and that dance party after the show, and even how amazing First Date was (seriously its fantastic) made my year, and made the 6 years I have been trying to meet Zac worth the wait. He is the sweetest guy, and his positive energy just makes me feel so positive, and I haven;t stopped smiling since yesterday, and I am so greatful to have amazing friends who helped make this happen, and want to just thank Zac for being so amazing and making this years shitty year, pretty awesome in the end. I wish I would of said it yesterday but honestly I am shocked I told him I had been waiting 6 years to meet him, (we had a bet if i would even speak at all., thanks friends) But thank you Zachary for just being you, for being so amazing and making this girl very happy, you will never know how much it meant to me just to meet you for those few minutes, and making my year have a great ending, if you ever read this.

But anyways here are a few more pictures from yesterday...I was going to vlog it but it was raining so bad I didn't want to kill my phone.

Little Life update

I hate writing these because I feel like its filled with excuses, but honestly I have been "slacking" with vlogmas  and updating the blog because life has kind of taken over, if it hasn't been work its been a lot of family things and I haven't had much time to do anything lately. And I refuse to put out a vlog just for the sake of putting out a vlog, or even a video. I won't half ass it for you guys because I hate when I see other people do that. I know I will be filming Christmas Eve and Christmas, and a few tag videos in between, but I wanted to apologize for the lack of posting because you guys mean a lot to me and I know a few of you have asked where I have been, though I don't like to share a ton of personal stuff and make a list of excuses I will just say, life happened haha. And as for blog reviews, I might of mentioned with Christmas I had gone on a "no buy" as far as makeup and clothes go, even other things like movies and books, but for you guys the makeup and clothes matter, so after the holidays this blog will be more active with reviews again, expect a few OOTD's before then, but after the holidays, there will be more reviews, and blog posts too.

Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and follows my channel you all rock and I love you tons!

Vlogmas Week 1

I, myself, am strange and unusual.

I had been wanting to write a blog post like this for awhile, and the fact that it hit me I am turning 26 in a month (holy shit i know). I figured it was a good time to take a stroll down memory lane and tell you all how I overcame being awkward, geeky, quiet (if you know me now its hahaha ashley your quiet right), and basically hating my body, and never knowing how I should dress, to the person I am today...which you all know and (hopefully) love.


It took me awhile to gain self confidence, for most of my teen years I lived in hoodies, oversized skater pants, band tees to hide my body, and for a good while there the dreadful acid washed vest, . And though I still wear some of those things today, it took me awhile to become this person and gain the confidence to dress how I wanted to.

This is me at age 14-15, I basically thought I was Lydia Deetz, can you telll with the bangs? I always wanted to dress like Lydia because well Beetlejucie is one of my all time favorite movies and at age 15 I was strange and unusual so I related to her. I was a little chubby though back then I thought I was huge (  sometimes i wish i could go back in time and slap my young self) and as much as I loved Lydia's style I hide myself in baggy black  jnco jeans (anyone remember those!?) and a black tshirt, pull my hair back into a bun, rock the Lydia bangs and hope one day I would love my body enough to fit into those cute little goth clothes. Its what I did a lot, hide myself.

Right before my 16th birthday I had it with my long hair, it didn't feel right so I decided to cut it, all off, not just a small cut either I shaved it into a mohawk (i refuse to show you guys that because it was PRETTY bad) my mom almost killed me. but it felt great, just to cut all your hair off, and with that my style shifted a little, I started to cut up those band tees and cutting those jeans into skirts (which didnt really turn out that great but whatever) but I still felt like I looked fat, I still used to hide myself in hoodies and I really hated my body. No one ever really called me fat, but I was bigger than all of my friends, so I felt it. I would see them dress in these cute outfits and i envied them I wish I could do it too, but no, band/superhero tees, and hoodies, my "safe zone" 

Right after high school I gained a lot of weight,  I was at my heaviest and I hated it, see that girl beside me? Thats Lyndsey shes my best friend, and basically my rock. We've been friends since high school and she was always one to tell me when I shouldn't wear something (like the dreaded vest above) but I used to tell her she was tiny and didn't understand how I felt. She was always trying to pull me out of my shell, but from 18 till around 20, I didn't feel comfortable in my own body, I hated myself and I couldn't break past that. (also that makeup.....ha!) I could get frustrated shopping because stores wouldn't have my size and anything i tried out I felt so fat or I felt like it just wasn't me. As I was younger thats what I struggled with most.

A little bit between 19-20 I had an odd spot where I was trying to find myself, I grew out my hair, chopped it off, and pretty much almost through out my whole closet of clothes. I went from one extreme to another, I thought I have to grow up I can't wear these band tees, and I my star wars shirts. But when I dressed as my grandmother called "normal" I didn't feel like myself either.  It felt forced and I hated it.

I remembered for my 20th birthday telling my family I wanted money for new clothes, and I asked Lyndsey to go shopping with me and she was happy to. It was frustrating, I honestly felt like I was on that show What Not to Wear. But I remember finding an outfit i fell in love with, it was sorta as lyndsey called it"nerdy rocker" it was a graphic tee (still kind of my comfort zone) with a blazer and skinny jeans with boots, and I just laughed at the tittle of it, but I felt amazing in it, and I remember that feeling. Because after that it slowly got easy, but it was still frustrating finding clothes in my size, and the things I thought were cute, were never in my size. 

 But after lots and lots of shopping trips I slowly started to feel more like me, it didn't take me losing weight, it didn't take me "dressing normal" it was me going out and stepping out of my comfort zone, and finding something that looked good on me and that I liked, not what anyone else liked on me. 

It took some time but after awhile I started to gain more and more confidence, and everyone around me noticed it, thats when I started really getting into makeup and I started being more social and my outgoing. And again it wasn't me losing weight, it was me feeling comfortable in my own body that gave me that step to just be myself more, and I never felt more like myself. Slowly my style started to form, it was showing my kinda geeky side with my little rock and roll side, I wasn't losing who I was but I still felt pretty. I always thought if I was girly or dressed it I would lose who I was, and that wasn't the case, and it helped me get past being afraid. But sometimes I did get that way, and some days I did hate my body.

The biggest change that really helped me was starting to make youtube videos, I don't know what it was about making them but it really helped me sort of get over being shy, even though I was more outgoing I still when out with friends would be sitting there awkwardly and just kind of eh....I remember one of my friends Liz show my youtube and goes "why are you never like that when you are out with us jeesh!!" I guess it was because people like me watched my youtube videos and I wasn't being judged, hell I used to get judged for wearing a star wars shirt to the bar (there was a whole thing about how guys wouldn't like you if you wore a star wars shirt...ummmm...then i don't want to know that guy haha)  But doing youtube and this blog, has really gotten me over that last little bit of being un sure, really giving me confidence and really helped me. If you would of told me at age 19 I would have a beauty and fashion blog where I post my outfits and talk about beauty things as well as geek out about the new thor movie or about star wars I would tell you "who would want to see me in a hoodie every day?" 

I somtimes wish I could go back and give my past self a pep talk but then I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for that. Sure I am a bit heavier than I was in high school, sure I may not be super skinny, and sure I have a huge collection of batman and star wars tshirts and I am still strange and unusual. but I love who I am, and I love my style and I love myself, all 204lbs of it. I don''t hide myself anymore. I wish I could of said that at age 16, but I guess I will take it at almost 26, even if it took me so long to learn it. I can look back at myself back then and look at myself now and see how much I've changed, and I am very proud of myself for getting to where I am now. 

I hope you guys enjoyed this post, and that I shared this journey with you all.