It took me awhile to gain self confidence, for most of my teen years I lived in hoodies, oversized skater pants, band tees to hide my body, and for a good while there the dreadful acid washed vest, . And though I still wear some of those things today, it took me awhile to become this person and gain the confidence to dress how I wanted to.
This is me at age 14-15, I basically thought I was Lydia Deetz, can you telll with the bangs? I always wanted to dress like Lydia because well Beetlejucie is one of my all time favorite movies and at age 15 I was strange and unusual so I related to her. I was a little chubby though back then I thought I was huge ( sometimes i wish i could go back in time and slap my young self) and as much as I loved Lydia's style I hide myself in baggy black jnco jeans (anyone remember those!?) and a black tshirt, pull my hair back into a bun, rock the Lydia bangs and hope one day I would love my body enough to fit into those cute little goth clothes. Its what I did a lot, hide myself.
Right before my 16th birthday I had it with my long hair, it didn't feel right so I decided to cut it, all off, not just a small cut either I shaved it into a mohawk (i refuse to show you guys that because it was PRETTY bad) my mom almost killed me. but it felt great, just to cut all your hair off, and with that my style shifted a little, I started to cut up those band tees and cutting those jeans into skirts (which didnt really turn out that great but whatever) but I still felt like I looked fat, I still used to hide myself in hoodies and I really hated my body. No one ever really called me fat, but I was bigger than all of my friends, so I felt it. I would see them dress in these cute outfits and i envied them I wish I could do it too, but no, band/superhero tees, and hoodies, my "safe zone"
Right after high school I gained a lot of weight, I was at my heaviest and I hated it, see that girl beside me? Thats Lyndsey shes my best friend, and basically my rock. We've been friends since high school and she was always one to tell me when I shouldn't wear something (like the dreaded vest above) but I used to tell her she was tiny and didn't understand how I felt. She was always trying to pull me out of my shell, but from 18 till around 20, I didn't feel comfortable in my own body, I hated myself and I couldn't break past that. (also that makeup.....ha!) I could get frustrated shopping because stores wouldn't have my size and anything i tried out I felt so fat or I felt like it just wasn't me. As I was younger thats what I struggled with most.
A little bit between 19-20 I had an odd spot where I was trying to find myself, I grew out my hair, chopped it off, and pretty much almost through out my whole closet of clothes. I went from one extreme to another, I thought I have to grow up I can't wear these band tees, and I my star wars shirts. But when I dressed as my grandmother called "normal" I didn't feel like myself either. It felt forced and I hated it.
I remembered for my 20th birthday telling my family I wanted money for new clothes, and I asked Lyndsey to go shopping with me and she was happy to. It was frustrating, I honestly felt like I was on that show What Not to Wear. But I remember finding an outfit i fell in love with, it was sorta as lyndsey called it"nerdy rocker" it was a graphic tee (still kind of my comfort zone) with a blazer and skinny jeans with boots, and I just laughed at the tittle of it, but I felt amazing in it, and I remember that feeling. Because after that it slowly got easy, but it was still frustrating finding clothes in my size, and the things I thought were cute, were never in my size.
But after lots and lots of shopping trips I slowly started to feel more like me, it didn't take me losing weight, it didn't take me "dressing normal" it was me going out and stepping out of my comfort zone, and finding something that looked good on me and that I liked, not what anyone else liked on me.
It took some time but after awhile I started to gain more and more confidence, and everyone around me noticed it, thats when I started really getting into makeup and I started being more social and my outgoing. And again it wasn't me losing weight, it was me feeling comfortable in my own body that gave me that step to just be myself more, and I never felt more like myself. Slowly my style started to form, it was showing my kinda geeky side with my little rock and roll side, I wasn't losing who I was but I still felt pretty. I always thought if I was girly or dressed it I would lose who I was, and that wasn't the case, and it helped me get past being afraid. But sometimes I did get that way, and some days I did hate my body.
The biggest change that really helped me was starting to make youtube videos, I don't know what it was about making them but it really helped me sort of get over being shy, even though I was more outgoing I still when out with friends would be sitting there awkwardly and just kind of eh....I remember one of my friends Liz show my youtube and goes "why are you never like that when you are out with us jeesh!!" I guess it was because people like me watched my youtube videos and I wasn't being judged, hell I used to get judged for wearing a star wars shirt to the bar (there was a whole thing about how guys wouldn't like you if you wore a star wars shirt...ummmm...then i don't want to know that guy haha) But doing youtube and this blog, has really gotten me over that last little bit of being un sure, really giving me confidence and really helped me. If you would of told me at age 19 I would have a beauty and fashion blog where I post my outfits and talk about beauty things as well as geek out about the new thor movie or about star wars I would tell you "who would want to see me in a hoodie every day?"
I somtimes wish I could go back and give my past self a pep talk but then I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for that. Sure I am a bit heavier than I was in high school, sure I may not be super skinny, and sure I have a huge collection of batman and star wars tshirts and I am still strange and unusual. but I love who I am, and I love my style and I love myself, all 204lbs of it. I don''t hide myself anymore. I wish I could of said that at age 16, but I guess I will take it at almost 26, even if it took me so long to learn it. I can look back at myself back then and look at myself now and see how much I've changed, and I am very proud of myself for getting to where I am now.
I hope you guys enjoyed this post, and that I shared this journey with you all.
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