Things I wish I could go back and tell my 15 year old self.

 I feel like 2016 has been a year for nostalgia for me. My favorite band from high school (and still now, but lets face it, they meant the most to me in high school)  went on tour earlier this year, and that sent me down and emotional path that was filled with songs that brought up a lot of feelings that 14-16 year old Ashley felt. I can listen to those songs now and still feel those things I did back then. I tell people "you want to know how I felt when I was 14 put on Good Charlotte Screamer." Because that song alone can spell out the feelings of a 14 year old Ashley.

While listening to those songs, and going through old photos, and even some old clothes I still have from back then, it made me think. Who I was back then, what I felt and how it made me who I am today.  It also made me think of the things I wish I could tell myself. Because lets face it, when you are 14, it really feels like the world is against you and everything sucks. With out going into detail of some things, being a teen for me for tough. I lost my father when I was 11, my mom wasn't really the mother type. Which really hit home with the song "emotionless" from Good Charlotte. The band actually played it live in Boston, and I broke down and cried, for many reasons. I don't relate to the father walking out on you part, but at times THAT song  alone is how I felt towards my mother when I moved out at 18. and that song alone made all those feelings of teenage me come back, and really made me dwell on the things I wish I could tell my younger self. So here we go.

You are beautiful, don't think otherwise.
If I could go back and do one thing it would be tell myself this. I look back at pictures of myself at that age and think "how did i think i was so fat? i was so ugly?" im 60lbs heavier now, and I love myself more than I did back then. My mother would tell me I was "fat" because I couldn't fit into my size 9 jeans, thats not something you should tell a teenage girl. I wish my teenage self knew that she was beautiful. Not from a boy, or her mother, but from herself. I wish she really thought she was beautiful.

It gets better, I promise.
Being 14-16 you think the smallest things are the worst in the world. I know I didn't have the best teen years, but honeslty I wish I could go back and tell myself it gets better. You get out of here, you move on, and you live a life that isn't perfect, but its pretty amazing for what you have. You are loved, and happy and have people around you who are pretty damn amazing .And you get to do things that you always wanted to do.

You don't turn out like her, don't worry. But people don't change.
One of my biggest fears was ending up like my mom. With out going into full detail because that can be a blog post in its own. I lived in a fear of becoming the person I least wanted to be. I was afraid of becoming that person that I hated most and I wanted to be the opposite of everything she was. She never knew that, and until a year ago we sort of rebuilt a stable relationship because I believe in second chances (unlike her.) but people don't change and I learned she is, and will always be that woman that let me down and was never there.

Some friends become your family, start trusting people
I didn't trust a whole lot back then, I had friends but nothing I thought could last or would last. It took a lot for me to let some people in and I am thankful for that. But I was so afraid of being let down, i rarely let people in. And I wish I did, I did have a small group of people that I had around me and supported me, but at times i would push them away for fear of if I didn't keep them close I would never be let down. And I wish I didn't do that.

I could really go on, but really those are the main things I wish I could tell myself at that age. I know in the end the things that happened to me formed me to be this person I am today, but part of me wished I had something to help me through those other things. Being a teenager is tough, and I sometimes wish I could go back in time, sit down and give myself a hug because a lot of times, she really needed one.